is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
