Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
