i already hear my dad disowning me
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
