the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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