I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Do vagina's smell?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
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