Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
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