You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
