Can i not drive my cunt home
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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