Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
