Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
When did we convert life to cartoon?
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
