And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
