Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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