Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
why do cheetos always look like penises
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
