I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
