I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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