Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
