i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
