Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
