I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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