Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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