i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
