Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
