I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
