Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
