i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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