So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
