oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
