I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
The adults are the big ones right?
Panties = found
Randomize
