My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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