Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
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