I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
