my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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