Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I party with great urgency now.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
