hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize
