A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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