The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
