Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Are we still banned from the library?
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
