woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
