Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
