The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Less talking, more tequila
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
