The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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