There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
