I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Randomize
