Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
