I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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