Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I just cut my nipple shaving
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
