she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I could fuck to npr.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
