I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
