After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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