well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
