She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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