; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
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